Photograph

            Gee, this picture doesn’t do you justice.

            It’s only a picture. It’s not me.

            I know, but you’re much better looking. You ought to let Jim take some shots of you sometime. He’s great.

            Oh? He’ll make me look . . . better? Or more like myself?

Which might be worse than some pictures I’ve seen of myself, because I’m not that good looking, really.

            Wait a minute, look at this shot of your car. Hey, wait. Hold on. What’re you getting so excited about . ?

            This car won’t run! It’s not smooth and hard. I can’t see the shiny chrome.

            You’re putting me on, right? I mean, that’s a photograph. See that vehicle over there? THAT’S the car. Photograph. Car. Photograph. This photo is only a flat piece of paper. An approximation of the real, three dimensional thing. Get it? OF COURSE IT DOESN”T DO THE CAR JUSTICE!!!

            If I showed a model of that car, a scale model of that vehicle, you wouldn’t expect it to run as fast as the actual Ferrari, would you? You wouldn’t expect it to be QUITE as satisfying as the actual machine, right? It wouldn’t be as big, round, hard, shiny, curvy, wide, long, or have the same smell or sound, yes? It wouldn’t be as satisfying.

            So why on earth do you expect a photograph of a human being to be any closer to the actual person than this photo is to that car? HMMM?

            Do you suppose someone looking for a car would purchase one from a snapshot alone? Some casting people and directors and producers actually reject actors after seeing them—that is, approximations of them—only in photographs. Strange. God, he doesn’t sound like anything he looks. And she’s so DIFFERENT from her pictures!!

            NO SHIT! NOOOOO. She’s just like that. Flat, glossy, foldable, small enough to put into an envelope, and she even comes with that light. What light? You know, that same soft, shadowy, moody light that highlights her brows and gives that glint to her hair, well, the tips over her left shoulder.

            OH, does she always come that way?

            Sure, just like her photo.

            Come on, I saw her, and she looks more mature, more beautiful in person. Oh? You mean this photo doesn’t do her justice? Then what are you looking at it for? If you’ve already seen her in person and you know you like her, why are you showing us these photographs? And why are you looking at them again yourself? I think she should have some new ones made. Why?

            Well, so she can show another side of herself. You mean like, the inside? So she can show how she sounds, smells, pulsates, sits, walks, leans, tilts, sways, smiles, smirks, and twinkles? I get it! WE want a film of her!! Yeah, but in at least fifty different settings, so we can see every single possible way she can appear. PHEW! I’m exhausted. Why don’t we just cast her, dress her up, make her up, let her speak these lines from this script, and light the scenes to look just the way we need them to look for the film, and then she’ll be right. And the move will do her justice, do you think?

            OH, oh! Let me explain it to you again. See . . . this is the actress. THIS is the movie. Actress. Movie. Movie. Actress.